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A Happy New Year

A Happy New Year 2005☆

I was just so lazy that I didnt write my summary of 2004. Now, it is already 2005, and ... yeah, I am so stupid. Anyway, here, I am writing about summary of 2004 and also the new resolution of 2005 as well.

2004 Spring(1-4):
I fotgot whether it was in Dec of 2003 or Jan of 2004... maybe Dec of 2003, but I was in Tokyo with my friends, to say good bye to our precious friend who went to USA. At that time, I was really mad, and was really bad person. Everybody told me, after that, I was just terrible, like I am saying ill of ppl a lot, and was sarcastic. However, in Jan of 2004, I noticed I kinda lost myself, and started to looking for myself.

I forgot a lot of things that i have done in this period... i think that was during Jan of 2004 that me and tatsuya (niwa-san) did a presentation at the 5th anniversary competition at APU. that was really hard for me, but i did it. that was really good experience, but i noticed somehow about the un-practicality of the plan.

I was in Beppu almost all spring vacation so as to work in co-op. We had a bonch of ppl who would enter APU from that spring, and we were there to help those ppl for preparation of new life and to invite them to be a member of co-op. That was great experience and full of fun. Although sometimes I felt frustrated, co-workers were really nice, and I think that was just good. Actually however, I drunk a lot at the same time I earned money, then there were not much money left there...

I was just so busy for maintaining of the committee of the world historical textbook museum in spring vacation. cuz, there were not so many ppl. and I was in charge of almost everything in spring vacation. me and rika went to a high school in Oita and gave them a kind of lecture about IR. u know, but IR is so difficult to explain, and we are not the students of IR... so we gave them some ideas of how to think about things around them.. with the good example of history textbook. that was my first experience to tell things about history textbook to others. then we had a spring camp 2004 at APU. that was just like summer camp (annual event in APU for those who are interested in entering APU). we played as a TA, and we, the committee of world hisotrical textbook museum, had three groups. kana, haruna, and rika were the leaders of each groups, and i did whole leader. that was, again, really good experience, but i wasnt that much good.

everytime i say something to ppl, i feel that what i am saying is not what i am thinking everyday. i mean, my word came into this world at that moment, but i always said them as if i always think about it... ummm this is really difficult to say in Japanese... i cannot handle it.sorry. but,,, yeah, i dont like my words actually.

after entrance ceremony, i and my floormates in Creoheights had a big party with new comers. that was really fun, and i started to keep in touch with them.

Summer (5-8)
I was really busy for badminton and other things... preparation for the exhibition at BKC, study for UBC, regular classes, co-op,,, everything was messed up, and i could not handle all. that was just ... hard for me. since i decided to take classes in English, but my life was just si busy and, at the same time, i had to think about my future, so i was mad. and i could not take much classes. i cancelled some classes actually, cuz i didnt want to fail them. so, i did anly 14 credits. that was, very few at that time (i mean, for the students of 2nd year of univ.)

i was not bad for badminton, since me and genki became good friends. however, another thing came up, and i became really mad. like,,, ummm i dont wanna write about it, so its okie. keke sorry

for the committee of the world hisotrical textbook museum, i was mad again but i was in the way of going abroad, and i ran away from this committee since i knew it killed me. i stopped my activities after BKC event.

regular classes were also troublesome for me. Ms.Seike was really nice, but i had a prejudiced view for her, and i was so mad to say to her that her class was really wasteful. i cannot believe it now, but for me at that time, i just wanted to be honest (or i wanted to make class somehow good for me). i was just so selfish. but after this, i noticed my seflishness and other important things, thanks to Ms.seike. she was just so nice to me, and i could take IR in a seminar.

i didnt do well in TOEFL and other things about English at that time, and actually i didnt study hard.

Autumn and winter(9-12)
I was in Canada, and studied at UBC.

in September, i was so mad, and felt great loneliness, but i noticed that i am the person who didnt do well at the first sight, so i just tried to be patient. i was a kinda shy, and i could not have confident in me, and everyting made me mad.

in oct. things started to change. my self consciousness was right. i could make some friends, and things went well somehow. i still felt lonely, and felt as if i was just out from the world, but this is always happend to me when i was so tired and when i was so busy. i noticed this was also me.

in nov. i started to think about my behavier in Canada. actually i changed myself a lot. i mean, yeah i didnt change my belief or important things, but i changed my ... i donno, anyway i can tell that me in Canada and me in japan totally differ in some aspects. i felt i was bad in Canada, and started to act in good way. i, i was... still child. i could not handle myself.

in dec. everyone went to somewhere, and my canadian friends had a fuckin final exams, and i didnt have much ppl to hang out with. also, since i had great long free time, i could not stop thinking about myself, my future, my career, and everything about me. i became really mad, and started smoking a lot, and ... i was just stupid. but this month was not that bad, i guess. since i could not have this much time to think about me in japan, so this was good for me.

so far, i noticed that i am still really weak, and still child. i can not handle myself, i cannot stop thinking in stupid way, but still i pretend as if i am mature and i know about me. i always try to hide my weakness,,, and i am really good at doing it,(hahaha) that made me more weak.

in 2005, i think i should be mature enough to know about me, to handle myself, and to think about my future. i need to talk to me more, and i need to face to myself.

i wanna be strong, but what is strong??? i donno, maybe phisically, and mentally, and ... yeah, but here, i mean i wanna be confident, and to be confident i need to be strong. to be strong, i need to work out phisically, and i need to be marure mentally.

i want to become to like me, since i dont like me now. i want to be a person who like themself.

2005 is just started, but i know, for sure, that time will pass very quickly. u know, this year will be one of the most important year for me, since i have a lot decision making, and that is likely to effect my whole life.

i am sure for one thing, that i have friends. i donno how deep we are, i doono how they think, but i am sure i have friends who think about me, who care about me, and who like me.

i have a lot of frineds who i love, who i respect, and i can be myself in front of them. i cannot meet them now, since i am in Canada, but i still feel that i have them. they are close to me. they are just ... here.

okie, now its enough long to finish it up. fu--- wow!! its already 5 in morning!!! i should sleep!!!

hope 2005 will be meaningful

2005.1.1
Masaharu Shigematsu@Canada
[PR]
by canadian_dreaming | 2005-01-01 10:11 | canadian life
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